Something that has hit me since my ADHD diagnosis in November is the relationship with self and how much it drives your happiness.

I like LinkedIn, it’s great for making connections but one criticism of it is that you’re surrounded by ambitious people sharing hacks on how to be more productive, sometimes even happier too. A lot is around the process, the systems we exist in but whatever your achievements and post-nominals, cash and kudos do not necessarily equate to happiness.

I’m not talking about shards of happiness that are short-lasting but the sort of happiness that means you can look yourself in the mirror and actually like yourself. Maybe reframe as contentment which requires acceptance of who and where you are in life.

I’ve done what many people do which is read self-improvement books and listened to them on audiobooks as well as used various personality tests to try to upgrade myself in some way but it can’t flourish if you are not fully accepting of yourself. YOU need to accept and acknowledge that you deserve to be here and that you are of value (felt internally not just sought after externally).

I’ve been single a few times and each time sought comfort in another. I didn’t really work on myself although I did take some steps to try like going to the cinema on my own or making myself a nice meal. For the most part I saw happiness in being part of something bigger but here comes the real issue – you find someone else who likes you and because of your self-destructive side you think that they must be defective to like you. In time you can become less fond of that person through no fault of theirs. Groucho Marx (Google him) said something along the lines of “I don’t want to be part of any club that would have me in it” and I take it to mean that in this context I don’t like me so if you do you must be mad. We’re probably not going to last!

How self-defeating is this? It’s essential that you get to the point where you have a health respect for yourself before you can be a good partner/friend for anyone else.

I know because I live this. Now I know that ADHD is a big part of me I can relate a bit more.

How do you like yourself more? Books are written on this but why not start with questioning that critical inner voice. Whose voice is it? Parent, ‘friend’, teacher, employer etc? Often with ADHD people have been told off or criticised from a young age for their difference and way they cope with their environment and so the self esteem suffers and we get used to feeling ‘less than’.

For a neurodivergent person it can be hard especially as you turn on yourself with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) and criticise yourself. It’s sadly easy to bring yourself down without any (knowing) assistance from anyone else such is our talent for self-flagellation. No wonder so many of us struggle at times with low self esteem. The critical voice in your head can be pretty brutal and you wouldn’t dream of talking to anyone else like that, so why do it to yourself?

How do we start accepting, even liking ourselves? For me it is about trying to see ourselves from the outside. It helps me to look at my four-year old son and consider that I think I would like his dad as he seems a good egg. He needs his dad to set an example that helps to build his growing sense of self and so I’m trying, really trying to be kinder to me. I really want my children to be proud of themselves and secure that they are worthy of good things including love.

ADHD coaching and therapy both help to keep the progress coming although it’s not linear nor binary. It’s very up and down but for the first time I might be winning. Funnily enough I spent a lot of my earlier years feeling invisible, unseen, average etc but this diagnosis has made me feel that I’m interesting all of a sudden. Different, unpredictable, spontaneous and daft at times but withdrawn and cagey at others. I am noticing my quirks, processes and struggles more than ever but with a reason, I think that unmasking shows everything that has been kept in, some of it I really like whilst other bits I’m trying to improve.

Trophies, certificates, honours, accolades, love from others, financial wealth etc will not give you happiness and contentment without liking or at least accepting yourself unconditionally.

Happiness starts within and without self compassion any semblance of joy is fleeting.

Be happy with yourself – you really do deserve at least that.