I believe that having a support team around you is crucial when navigating the difficulties of neurodivergence. By this I mean that meds alone, coaching alone, therapy, friends etc alone isn’t enough but together it can be formiddable.
I have had psychotherapy since 2010 as I left another relationship breakup believing myself to be incapable of holding one together. I still work with the same guy a couple of times a month and consider it like a gym workout for my mind and I do it more frequently when needed. Somewhat ironically/serendipitously I met my partner in 2013 on a course to become a psychotherapist, I left the course as two of us on it wouldn’t have worked.
What follows is a list of considerations that I would encourage you to tick off when thinking about therapy.
1. You need the right ‘fit’ depending on what you are looking for. Do you want to work in a relational way to build a relationship of trust and explore your life or focus on specific areas? Don’t be afraid of moving from one therapist to a new one if you don’t feel it fits, especially when choosing for the first time. Compare and choose. I liken it a little glibly to choosing a driving instructor!
2. You need to be aware of how you feel with your therapist. What do you want/need from them? Do you experience any kind of awkwardness or triggering ie some issues you have with authority figures and the therapist reminds you of a parent/headteacher etc.
3. How regularly do you want to have your sessions? Weekly or fortnightly or even more regularly? You may really need flexibility, can your therapist offer this?
4. What can you afford presuming you’re going private and paying?
5. Qualifications are important as anyone can call themselves a counsellor, certainly in the UK. The terms are not legally protected. Psychotherapy is a regulated profession though and many counsellors and therapists are registered and thoroughly trained. You should ask them how they keep up-to-date with personal development and check if they are members of a governing body e.g. BACP UKCP. They really ought to have their own therapy and supervision as a minimum requirement.
6. How would you find someone? Counselling directory is a good option for those open to work and you can do a lot of your checks in one place. Take care with recommendations, whilst helpful in some ways, your relationship with a therapist is very individual to you and may not work for your friend or family member but it is better than just googling. It’s not like recommending a plumber who always does a good job though.
7. How do you want to work? In-person, remotely or a mix. If you want to build a rapport would you find it easier in person or remotely? Is your therapist close enough to visit or is this impractical because for example you don’t drive and they are not easy to get to on public transport.
8. When to have therapy?
Consider how to fit it into your day and how you want to feel about the work you do but take time either side of your session to a) prepare and then b) decompress afterwards. This might be a factor in choosing face-to-face or remote or a mix of both.
9. When will you know that the therapy is helping? Do you have defined outcomes in mind or just want to have someone non-judgemental in your corner?
10. Be honest with your therapist. It’s easy to just tell them what you want to so they don’t hear your darkest and most shameful secrets. This isn’t helpful though if this is partly why you need therapy. It may take time to get to this point but making your therapist like you means accepting you for your full self and not just the one you want to show them. For example, I’ve started opening up over behaviours that could be ADHD but we’ve worked together for 15 years and never put this together before. It’s giving us fresh material and a new direction to explore.
11. Talk about going to therapy (even if not disclosing why). Normalise the experience, why bother paying for gym membership and healthy food/nice clothes if you feel unfulfilled and rotten inside. It’s a lifestyle choice or treatment for problems depending on how you frame it, but let’s not stigmatise it.
12. Finally, good luck, if you find someone you’re happy working with then I’m really pleased for you. It can be transformational.
Please feedback with your tips/experiences and by all means feel free to download the template file below and make it yours.