Plan Before Taking Action
This is tricky, and much depends on you and your family dynamics. Before doing anything decide what you want for example:
- I want them to know so it’s not a shameful secret
- I want them to treat me with more patience and stop calling me lazy or stupid
- I want them to ask me about it and be interested in the real me now that I am unmasking and showing them who I am
- I want my mum/dad/brother/partner/uncle/aunt etc to know but nobody else as they’ll judge me
- I just want them to stop telling me that they think I have ADHD, they were right!
- I want my partner to know as they don’t always understand why I have done certain things time and time again
Brace yourself for what may come.
You may feel anxious about how others close to you will react when you share your new diagnosis.
What if they think you’re odd?
Additionally, they may fear talking to you to avoid saying the wrong thing.
Are you nervous?
What response do you expect?
Do you fear rejection?
Plan how you will tell them and write down key points you want to share.
Additionally, they may cover topics like the brain, your behaviors, and how you feel.
Understanding Disclosure of Your Diagnosis
This is a highly personal decision. It is your business who you tell. Nobody else has a right to know unless you want them to. I recommend sharing the news. Given the common oversharing many people do, my challenge is to avoid repeating it. In many situations I am going about my day when someone mentions ADHD. We often feel a connection because we function in a different way.
The moment you mention challenges, people may self-disclose. When it comes to family, emotions play a part that can be much harder. If they have been involved and suspect ADHD, they may support the conversation with your assessors in advance. If they do not suspect it, the talk may feel scarier for you.
My parents know I have ADHD, but I’m not sure they understand what it means. Additionally, they probably don’t get why I appear to be successful in my work. I asked my mum before assessment how I behaved when I was younger. She said that I was ‘perfect’. I think this is partly because I didn’t often get into bother and seemed to be doing well with studies. The truth wasn’t always aligned with that view. My younger brother was hyperactive and lived life fast. I recall telling my mum when I was younger that my brother wouldn’t live to adulthood because he was reckless. I am certain that he had ADHD, quite severely. He died driving on Boxing Day evening, 27 December 1997, at age 19, not wearing his seat belt. I have gently said since my diagnosis that I was sure my brother had it. We know there is a considerable genetic link here. When you get a diagnosis, you realise others in your family may have it and may not know.
Parents may fear that you will blame them for your ADHD and perhaps feel uncomfortable about potentially having it themselves.
Nature and nurture seem to play a part regards birth and development in your early years. Low birth weight is reportedly a factor linked to ADHD. I was born 10 weeks premature, weighing just 3lbs, and spent the first six weeks in an incubator. I was not in the bosom of the family.
Take care with telling parents and relatives.
They may have heard the myth that bad parenting can cause ADHD.
Worse still, they may dismiss it out of hand.
Additionally, they may say that ADHD is invented and that you’re jumping on the bandwagon.
They often won’t reconcile their vision of you with your own vision of yourself.
Thus the disconnect and feeling of being missed can be exacerbated.
Consider potential ways to tell your family, and see which feel right for you. Additionally, ask others who have done this how they did it. I haven’t told everyone in my family. Getting a diagnosis has changed my closeness with my adult kids. My son was diagnosed with ADHD a little while ago. He can identify with me more now, as I can with him. It makes me more understanding of his quirks, which before frustrated me.
- Write a letter to those you want to know and invite them to talk with you about it if they have questions or want to know how you feel
- Ask family members if they have ever considered that you may have ADHD, they may say yes allowing you to confirm their suspicions making it less daunting to open up
- Leave ADHD leaflets, books etc around the family home if you live at home. Dropping big hints may open up a conversation
- Ask family members if you can get together to have a catch-up and tell them all at once reassuring them from the start that you’re not breaking terrible news (some of them may well have ADHD too and hate uncertainty when someone says they have news or want to meet)
- Your partner/spouse may be the person you most fear telling. How do you think they will react? Is this an explanation for things you do that annoys them? Could sitting with them and sharing your diagnosis report be helpful to talk through it?
Telling family members that you have been diagnosed with ADHD may feel exciting at times. Moreover, a new ADHD diagnosis can create anxiety about how relatives might perceive you. They may not understand ADHD, which can lead to misjudgments based on limited knowledge. Additionally, information and education help; it clarifies impact and supports healthier relationships. For more help, start here…