Masking Behind a Facade
Many of us are adept at masking to look how we want to be known. We hide all that chaos inside our heads to keep people from losing faith in us. Additionally, this COMPETENT V FAILURE presentation can be exhausting.
However, this can give the impression at a superficial level that we’re in control of what we’re doing. Yet many ADHDers are an absolute mess outside of work, we work so hard in how we present ourselves, advanced level masking!
A common theme for ADHDers is the feeling we are ‘less than’ and not good enough.
This fuels the COMPETENT V FAILURE narrative that we are secretly fooled, while others seem confident.
But why is our vision of ourselves at odds with how others see us?
Self-esteem can be tough with ADHD. We are used to struggling at tasks others can do. We now realise that there are areas we excel in, but we downplay our achievements whilst praising others. This struggle fuels the COMPETENT V FAILURE paradox.
Sadly, many ADHDers are in an abusive relationship with themselves. They blame mistakes, dismiss successes, and doubt their value. That inner critique can erode confidence and fuel anxiety. Over time, it shapes how they see their work and daily choices.
The COMPETENT V FAILURE Paradox and Perfectionism
Our perfectionism means that we don’t allow ourselves (and sometimes others) to make mistakes. We are so keen to please (and avoid criticism) that on the surface we seem hard-working, creative, loyal. Therefore to others we may seem to have it all together, while internally we often carry hidden costs. Self-doubt and masking keeps us down and in our place, sustaining humility but harming emotional well-being.
This conflict is COMPETENT V FAILURE in the minds of ambitious professionals. Wherever we’ve got to in our life is an achievement, yet effort remains high to maintain appearances. Many of us are creative thinkers, bring novel ideas to difficult issues, and stay calm in a crisis. However, we will still find an excuse to beat ourselves up. We really need to give ourselves a break.
We often have a very low opinion of ourselves, thinking we could always be better.
Moreover, being used to barbs and microaggressions keeps us on the lookout for disapproval, even when it’s not there.
How can we thrive confidently while we hold ourselves to impossible standards?
Go on fishing trips (asking others what they think of us).
It may seem ugly.
However, ask others for feedback on how they experience you.
Get them to write down words they associate with you on post-it notes.
Absorb those words.
They’re not lying. Especially when these comments come anonymously. For goodness sake, be kind to yourself, you are battling your unique brain. Be kind to yourself as you try to be kind to others, that would be a good start.
If you listen to your self-talk, pretend you are telling it to your best friend. However, you would be horrified. “Don’t listen,” you would say, “you’re brilliant.” Perhaps you even throw in hyperbole, like “you’re a legend” but when it’s our own voice being critical, we fail to challenge it. As a result, it’s exhausting and unfair. Therefore learn to love yourself and be kind. This COMPETENT V FAILURE paradox defines the myth you tell yourself. You deserve this as much as anyone else.
In the end the race is not against others, it’s with yourself.