I had a 12 year term in the Royal Air Force as a medic doing a mix of admin with some clinical duties too, I left early in 2006 and pursued a career in management in the NHS within general practice. Between us, my dad was in the army, his dad was navy and I completed the trio – just how it worked out.
I found RAF basic training incredibly hard and presumed it was because I hadn’t prepared properly which is true, but since the ADHD diagnosis in November you revisit former situations and behaviours.
The biggest single issue for me on training was my inability to iron, I was hopeless and yet once I’d got the hang of it post-training I’d do a shirt in just a few minutes. I do the ironing at home now too.
I recall crawling on the floor hallucinating in the dormitory setting where we did the basic training and I think it was down to lack of sleep as I’d stay up hours on end trying to iron or then squeezing in other tasks because of how long I’d spent on it. We would be up around 5am every morning and would be inspected first thing, something I found pretty terrifying.
I’d go for remedial training but however many times I’d watch an instructor demonstrate ironing it just wouldn’t compute for me. I still find it hard to learn by simply watching or listening and be told how to do something. Like forgetting names when being introduced it’s like my brain doesn’t focus in at times when it needs to.
Learning to do arms drill (marching with a rifle and moving it around in sync) was also a nightmare for me and trying to remember the steps in order and what to do with the rifle whilst being shouted at if you boobed. Even on the pass out parade at the end I’m sure I made some bloopers and felt embarrassed to be there regarding myself as one of the weakest recruits.
I clearly struggled and wanted to quit and go home a few times feeling so out of place. Tough love kept me there! I’m glad that I stayed. I went on to have a decent 12 year spell and became an independent functioning grown up after joining at 19. I had no idea about ADHD, I’d left the RAF before the NHS recognised it in 2008 so it wasn’t something that we talked about – I just thought that I was a ‘biff’ at times though at other times I could hold my own at any time
Risk taking and impulsive behaviour was another clear ADHD trait which I’ve only just put together, a few stories to tell but not here! Perhaps I’ll write a book 😂
Looking back, I think that traits of ADHD made basic training harder than it needed to be. I couldn’t follow verbal instructions, felt really low and self-loathing when shouted at by instructors (RSD anyone?) and actually put on weight during basic training due to comfort binge eating on biscuits to keep me going. A combination of not having time around my chores and shyness meant that I was something of a recluse also which made it harder for me to make friends, when they went out to the bar I was like Cinderella staying back doing domestic tasks. I was a hot mess and when I had my passing out parade I felt really bad because I imagined that the instructors disapproved of me although I did pass first time. Perhaps they saw something in me that reassured them that given time I’d shape up or they were just desperate for bodies in my trade. To be fair once out of the training environment I thrived generally although still struggled at times. I remember being on an exercise in Germany where the RAF Regiment were playing wargames and I hid out in the medical tent alone instead of mixing with them – shy perhaps? Overstimulated and needing regulation? I also at another time on exercise did an ND (negligent discharge) where upon unloading my weapon of blank ammunition I discharged it meaning a set off a shot which you just don’t do and it can cause you to face disciplinary measures. Inattentiveness at the wrong time for me there I feel.
Later I loved the social life that the military was all about and felt more confident in myself though I hated going away on courses and at least once made an excuse not to go, I was petrified of having to cohabit with what many people would’ve been strangers to me. I also had little confidence in myself in terms of clinical skills, thankfully the more I got into management the less clinical work I did.
Funnily enough I applied to leave the RAF just as I was getting promoted to Sergeant after 10 or so years, I would have been an instructor at the Defence Medical Services Training Centre at Keogh Barracks, Aldershot but left although enjoyed the instructor training.
It’s a good marker of how life has been so far, a fair few difficulties with things that others find easy but me fighting through it all and nothing getting picked up until recently because on the surface I’ve been functioning reasonably well – but masking whether known or not has a cost long term. Also going from being socially confident and having a good time to hiding or calling off and feeling anxious and antisocial.
I suspect looking back that I joined up because I sought structure and shape to life where I felt lost and in the ultimate show of rejection sensitivity dysphoria I called a Scouse girl from school (from a phone box!!) asking her out, she said no so I straight away decided I was joining up and getting away from the area!
So Ruth Gandy, thanks – you don’t know that you helped me, but you did – I got out into the world more after my teenage years spent growing up in west Norfolk and life really started to happen.
I’d be interested to hear from service folk past and present about how ADHD has presented for them and whether they got support with that.
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