Many of us with ADHD condition ourselves to be very self sufficient, after all by never asking for help we don’t show vulnerability.
Why don’t we want to show vulnerability?
For many of us it signifies weakness and we worry that it will lead others to reject us or sometimes we have been let down when we’ve reached out so handled everything ourselves.
Long story cut short but this week has been very emotional for me, mentally exhausting and I was away from the family all week due to a work trip. Other issues have really tested my self confidence and belief in myself and when I haven’t been working I have hidden away, cocooned off trying to rest.
I delivered a 20 minute talk to around 400 or so GPs and managers yesterday and lined up support after a tearful phone call to my partner. She urged me not to do the talk if I thought I would cry and we agreed a good way was to line up support in case I needed to tag someone in.
Prior to the talk I’d been crying in the cafe for a good 20minutes, the kind of crying that sees your shoulders going up and down. I wanted someone to notice and ask how I was. I didn’t want to ask for help but of course I did really.
I did talk to a few people I know who saw my red face and got a lot of support and it felt nice. Public vulnerability is not something I am used to and it feels like the end of the world. My RSD was triggered by the responses of others who offered their opinions on the issue that triggered my problems. A work issue that left many people shattered emotionally and upset. The feeling of perhaps getting things wrong and regretting things I could have done better was crushing.
Effectively I began to gaslight myself and question my own view of things.
The upside of the week is that I lead a group that provides peer support and I felt that peer support and took a risk to ask for it and welcome it. I felt supported and validated rather than isolated and rejected but the battle continues. I am so grateful for all of the kind words.
I think that many of us feel we have to work things out and not ask for support because we’re worried that we will show that we can’t do it ourselves and people will get bored of us or worse question our ability.
Whilst it’s been a very tough week, I have felt immense support from a number of people and feel very grateful.
But…
If you don’t allow people in, they can’t support you. So please try to open up more as uncomfortable as it is.
The talk went really well, I love standing up and talking to crowds and I was buzzing afterwards.
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